Here are many examples of the unhelpful advice that is cookie-cutter “marriage advice” that abused women get from counselors and friends who don’t understand abuse (and is pretty shallow even for a non-abusive marriage.)
If you hear this kind of advice, run the other direction, read my blog, and find help from someone who understands abuse!
“I’m out so why aren’t I happy? I thought I would feel better by now.” “I feel like something must be wrong with me.” “I have such anxiety about making a decision, being alone, not trusting myself, missing out on life, parenting.”
These are the pain-filled things I hear survivors say so often. And the worst part is that underneath the pain is the fear that they’re doing something wrong that’s keeping them from healing. We do everything we know to heal; we pray, we try to change our false beliefs and thoughts, we even go to counseling. And we find some relief. But down deep we’re still struggling.
After many years of being blamed for my suffering, I came to understand that I could hardly expect the church to know how to heal abuse when they barely even acknowledge it. We need a path to healing and the level of help that’s equal to to the level of injury.
Read MoreSome of us get blamed for leaving our marriage, and some of us get blamed for staying so long “if it was that bad.” And most of us get blamed for both. We can’t win.
Instead of blaming the victim/survivor, we should be honoring the strength of all the women who have left against all odds, and the strength of those who are forced to stay until they can find a way out.
Read MoreBeing abused rocks our faith and understanding of God. We often experience secondary abuse and betrayal by other Christians that is devastating. As we face the evil of abuse our worldview crumbles and we feel like we are reevaluating everything we believe. What challenges have you faced?
Read MoreThere are serious problems, lies, and deceptions in the church that are undermining its ability to represent Christ and fulfill His intentions. These deceptions create much of the spiritual abuse that abused Christian are subjected to. Four of those problems severely impact abused women of faith: bible mistranslations, misogyny, power and the hierarchy church structure, and a refusal to define evil from God’s perspective.
Read More“It’s gossip to talk about abuse.” “You need to love your husband unconditionally.” “Love covers a multitude of sins.” “Keep no record of wrongs.” “Think on good things.”
Women are being told how to be “godly” in their marriage by pastors and well-meaning Christians who don’t understand psychological and emotional abuse, or how God’s wants us to respond to spousal abuse. They are telling us things that aren’t true.
The reason we’re susceptible to these lies is because we want to be godly, we want to have a pure heart, and we want to be loving. In fact, we want to be, and are, all the things that they are accusing us of not being.
Read More“You have to forgive him because God forgave you.” “He said he was sorry.” “You need to forgive him and put the hurt behind you.” “You’re just being bitter.” “It’s a sin to be angry- you need to forgive.”
When we hear these accusations, we get incredibly confused and start condemning ourselves. We WANT to be Godly, to be forgiving, and to be loving. All too often, rather than supporting us, our advisors and friends create a landmine of accusation that adds to our betrayal and heaps condemnation on us.
Those who accuse us are asking to give up our own safety and sanity to be a “good Christian” because they don’t understand what forgiveness really means in the bible. So let’s look at what forgiveness means, and the lies we’ve been told about it.
“The man is the head of the household and your covering.” “You need to respect your husband no matter what.” “We are all sinners.” “He’s a Christian.”
Let’s look at the common teachings about husbands that create an atmosphere that promotes and justifies abuse.
Read More“Marriage is not meant to make you happy, it’s meant to make you holy.” “God hates divorce.” “Marriage is a sacred oath, till death do us part.” “You have to save the marriage, even if you’re the only one trying.” “You need marriage counseling.” “It’s bad for the kids to leave because they need a father.”
Covertly abused women of faith are torn to shreds over having to get a divorce and it’s an agonizing decision that no woman takes lightly. We stick with our marriages for years and years past the point of hope. We pay for that with our emotional and mental well-being, and our physical health. And these are some lies that have kept us in this bondage.
Read More“Your feelings lie to you.” “Just get on with your life.” “Just renew your mind.” “You don’t have enough faith.” “Rejoice in all things.” “God is all you need.”
When we are being covertly emotional and psychologically abused, our husband is creating an unpredictable environment for us, and inducing instability into our emotions and mind. We’re afraid of ourselves, full of self-doubt, afraid of the future, feeling guilty, berating ourselves for our “failures,” not trusting others, feeling alone and misunderstood. But none of this is sin. None of this is a character failing on our part. We’re the product of the abusive environment we are living in. Our feelings don’t originate in our sin. They originate in our husband’s sin against us. If you’ve been told you’re in sin, or you don’t have enough faith, when you’re having these feelings, that’s just another form of spiritual abuse.
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These are the resources outside this website than can be very helpful in understanding and healing from covert abuse.
Read MoreYou know something is wrong in your marriage and you can’t explain it. You’ve read examples and definitions of emotional abuse and they haven’t described your experience. You wonder “Is it me or is it him?” If you’re confused and feel like you’re on a merry-go-round of emotional pain, frustration and self-doubt, it may be from the mind games, gaslighting and manipulation of covert psychological and emotional abuse.
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