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Your world has been spinning around in confusion- this roadmap of the stages of healing you’ll go through coming out of emotional and psychological abuse can give you some solid ground to walk on. What stage are you in?

I was laughing recently with some other survivor of emotional and psychological spousal abuse over the stupid, weird, and crappy gifts we got from our abusers. Let’s take a look at a sampling of abuser’s actual gifts so you can see that you are not alone and that his gifts aren’t a reflection of you at all- they are all about who he is.

How Do I Accept That My Worst Nightmare Is True? What Do I Do Now? My Life Is Turned Upside Down- How Do I Deal With This? How Can I Fix Things? How Do I Set Boundaries With A Covert Abuser? Why Did This Happen To Me? Did I Do Anything Right? What Does Healthy Look Like?

You know something is wrong in your marriage and you can’t explain it. You’ve read examples and definitions of emotional abuse and they haven’t described your experience. You wonder “Is it me or is it him?” If you’re confused and feel like you’re on a merry-go-round of emotional pain, frustration and self-doubt, it may be from the mind games, gaslighting and manipulation of covert psychological and emotional abuse.

We took a fun humor break on my Confusion to Clarity Facebook page and here are the gems that were posted to the question “How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?”

Here are many examples of the unhelpful advice that is cookie-cutter “marriage advice” that abused women get from counselors and friends who don’t understand abuse (and is pretty shallow even for a non-abusive marriage.)

If you hear this kind of advice, run the other direction, read my blog, and find help from someone who understands abuse!

Here are many examples of the stupid, unhelpful, and even dangerous advice that the Christian church and culture gives to abused women.

If you hear this kind of advice, run the other direction, read my blog, and find help from someone who understands abuse!

In this article, I’m sharing some women’s positive experiences so you know what you should be expecting from your church and pastor.

If your church or pastor responds to you with anything less than support, love, concern, and offers of help, you have every right to find a church that will respond correctly.

If your church responds with spiritually abusive lies and demands, run in other direction as fast as you can! You deserve support and help.

How do you know when you are experiencing spiritual abuse by your church when going for help about an abusive marriage?

Survivors share some examples of spiritually abuse reactions, followed by some advice.

Recently, in my Confusion to Clarity FB group for survivors, a woman posted, “Why did the narcissist cross the road…?” What followed was a fantastic thread of humor and truth. Here are some of the answers.

Survivors answer these questions: How did you come to realize that your husband’s covert emotional and psychological abuse was intentional? Before this, did you believe he was unaware, wounded, or some other thing that made you give him the benefit of the doubt over and over? When you realized the abuse was intentional, how did this change things for you?

Do you know why it's important to learn about the covert tactics that are being used on you? Because this is absolutely the fastest way to get out of feeling crazy. These tactics frame the ongoing, secret mind games that are meant to systematically manipulate your psychology and emotions. Covert abusers cloak these tactics in concern, love, charm, praise, fake empathy, trustworthiness, smiles and pretending to be your biggest supporter. They are under the radar and hidden so that you, the target, can’t easily identify what’s going on.

Essential reading to understand the covert narcissist and covert abuser, and how to know if he’ll change. After reading this you’ll know that it wasn’t your fault and you’ll see how you were set up to be victimized. This article will explain your life to you, give you strength, and begin to set you free!.

What do we do when we are brokenhearted and afraid for our kids who have turned away from God because of abuse?

Being abused rocks our faith and understanding of God. We often experience secondary abuse and betrayal by other Christians that is devastating. As we face the evil of abuse our worldview crumbles and we feel like we are reevaluating everything we believe. What challenges have you faced?

There are serious problems, lies, and deceptions in the church that are undermining its ability to represent Christ and fulfill His intentions. These deceptions create much of the spiritual abuse that abused Christian are subjected to. Four of those problems severely impact abused women of faith: bible mistranslations, misogyny, power and the hierarchy church structure, and a refusal to define evil from God’s perspective.

“God allows abuse to happen for a reason” “God is in control of everything (and therefore, everyone)” “God suffered, so you need to suffer too” “Because God is faithful, He will heal your marriage”

Have you heard these lies from Christians when you’ve tried to get help with your emotionally abusive marriage? It’s time to look at the misinformation and brainwashing we’ve been subjected to about who God is.

“It’s gossip to talk about abuse.” “You need to love your husband unconditionally.” “Love covers a multitude of sins.” “Keep no record of wrongs.” “Think on good things.”
Women are being told how to be “godly” in their marriage by pastors and well-meaning Christians who don’t understand psychological and emotional abuse, or how God’s wants us to respond to spousal abuse. They are telling us things that aren’t true.

The reason we’re susceptible to these lies is because we want to be godly, we want to have a pure heart, and we want to be loving. In fact, we want to be, and are, all the things that they are accusing us of not being.

“You have to forgive him because God forgave you.” “He said he was sorry.” “You need to forgive him and put the hurt behind you.” “You’re just being bitter.” “It’s a sin to be angry- you need to forgive.”

When we hear these accusations, we get incredibly confused and start condemning ourselves. We WANT to be Godly, to be forgiving, and to be loving. All too often, rather than supporting us, our advisors and friends create a landmine of accusation that adds to our betrayal and heaps condemnation on us.

Those who accuse us are asking to give up our own safety and sanity to be a “good Christian” because they don’t understand what forgiveness really means in the bible. So let’s look at what forgiveness means, and the lies we’ve been told about it.

“You need to give God time to work in his heart.” “You need to pray harder.” “God says wives must be submissive.” “You need to give him sex.” “You need to have empathy for your husband’s failings.”

Many of the lies we’re told as wives treat men as if they need us to take responsibility for their walk with God, we need to help men with their “normal man issues” (ie lust), we have to treat them with kid gloves, we have to accept their emotional immaturity, and we have to behave perfectly or they just can’t help themselves from being “harsh” with us.

Why is it okay for Christian men to have fragile egos, to be out of control with their sexual lust, to be immature in their own relationships with God, to be emotionally clueless, and to have to be taken care of like children?

Let’s take a look at some of the damaging rubbish covertly abused women have been told about their roles in their husbands lives.

“The man is the head of the household and your covering.” “You need to respect your husband no matter what.” “We are all sinners.” “He’s a Christian.”

Let’s look at the common teachings about husbands that create an atmosphere that promotes and justifies abuse.

“Marriage is not meant to make you happy, it’s meant to make you holy.” “God hates divorce.” “Marriage is a sacred oath, till death do us part.” “You have to save the marriage, even if you’re the only one trying.” “You need marriage counseling.” “It’s bad for the kids to leave because they need a father.”

Covertly abused women of faith are torn to shreds over having to get a divorce and it’s an agonizing decision that no woman takes lightly. We stick with our marriages for years and years past the point of hope. We pay for that with our emotional and mental well-being, and our physical health. And these are some lies that have kept us in this bondage.

“Your feelings lie to you.” “Just get on with your life.” “Just renew your mind.” “You don’t have enough faith.” “Rejoice in all things.” “God is all you need.”

When we are being covertly emotional and psychologically abused, our husband is creating an unpredictable environment for us, and inducing instability into our emotions and mind. We’re afraid of ourselves, full of self-doubt, afraid of the future, feeling guilty, berating ourselves for our “failures,” not trusting others, feeling alone and misunderstood. But none of this is sin. None of this is a character failing on our part. We’re the product of the abusive environment we are living in. Our feelings don’t originate in our sin. They originate in our husband’s sin against us. If you’ve been told you’re in sin, or you don’t have enough faith, when you’re having these feelings, that’s just another form of spiritual abuse.

There’s no doubt that communicating with a covert abuser is one of the most confusing things we deal with. All. Day. Long. I’m often asked, “How can I communicate with my narcissist husband?”  To understand how, here’s what you need to understand about his goals in all conversations with you, and some guidelines and techniques to use.

Boundaries are pretty much useless with abusers and they are not the “solution” that many advocates claim they are. We’re often told that boundaries are how to get our power back but, in fact, an abuser will use them to take our power away.

We all get the point where asking our husband or ex to do or not do something (ie. setting a boundary) just doesn’t work and they do whatever they want.

So what do we do?

Being married to an abuser destroys our inner world in ways that we don’t even recognize while we are in it. Our perceptions of reality are changed. Even our perception of our ability to heal is warped. How? Read on.

Our stories as abused women are hero’s stories. They are stories that most people don’t want to hear or acknowledge, but that doesn’t change the reality of their truth, or of who we are.

“I’m out so why aren’t I happy? I thought I would feel better by now.” “I feel like something must be wrong with me.” “I have such anxiety about making a decision, being alone, not trusting myself, missing out on life, parenting.”

These are the pain-filled things I hear survivors say so often. And the worst part is that underneath the pain is the fear that they’re doing something wrong that’s keeping them from healing. We do everything we know to heal; we pray, we try to change our false beliefs and thoughts, we even go to counseling. And we find some relief. But down deep we’re still struggling.

After many years of being blamed for my suffering, I came to understand that I could hardly expect the church to know how to heal abuse when they barely even acknowledge it. We need a path to healing and the level of help that’s equal to to the level of injury.

Am I really being abused? Why do I keep wondering? Why do I constantly doubt myself? To make good choices for yourself and to fully heal from abuse, you need to understand what is happening in your mind and in your brain that causes your confusion.

Have you ever wondered “Why did I attract / choose an abuser?” Have you wondered if you’re co-dependent? Have you been reading articles that encourage you to do deep soul-searching to find your part in being abused?

 Ouch! Take a deep breath and read on because I want to set you free from that guilt and self-blame. You’ve had enough of it from your abuser (and probably from your church).

You were abused because you were targeted by a character disordered, skilled abuser who presented a false persona to fool you into trusting him. Everyone is vulnerable to covert abusers because they are experts at their game. How many people in your life believe your abuser’s a great guy? Probably almost all of them. Are they all co-dependent? I doubt it. Do they all have the traits that you blame yourself for having that “caused you to be abused”? I doubt that too.

Cognitive dissonance feels like living with two conflicting realities that switch back and forth. “He’s an abuser, no he’s not, he’s just hurt and means well,” “I’m right about this being abuse, no I’m not,” “Is it me or is it him?” “He’s so nice, why did I doubt him?” “I should leave, no I should stay,” Even, “I trust God, no I don’t.”

Cognitive Dissonance is often described as “reality switching” where conflicting thoughts and contradictory realities pop up but you’re plagued with such intense self-doubt, confusion, and fog from the abuse that you’re not able resolve anything. Remember, confusion is a SYMPTOM of covert abuse!

“I miss him so much,” “I can’t go on without him,” “I can’t leave - it hurts too much to be apart.” These are all signs of a trauma bond, also called a betrayal bond.

Both trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance can be part of what keeps you or kept you trapped in an abusive marriage, or obsessing about it after you leave, and both are incredibly painful to deal with.

How can I know when I "should" put others first and when is it OK to put myself "first"? How do I know if I’m being selfish? My ex-husband constantly told me I was selfish. And I feel guilty a lot. So what is selfish and what isn't?

All of us have very complicated grief. We are grieving so much more than, for instance, the death of a loving spouse.
In addition to loss, we are also facing betrayal, confusion, trauma, fear about our future, the death of our dream, the shock of realizing who our husband is, self-doubt, wondering if we could have done things differently, and often not being believed or supported by others.

Another complication is that we are grieving two different people – the one we thought he was and the one he turned out to be, and the shattering betrayal that we’ve experienced from this.

How do we navigate these complexities and get through our grief? Or better yet, why won’t it just go away???

Did any of you naively think your husband would be amicable and cooperative when you split? If so what did you learn, and what would you do over again if you could know better?

Here are the answers from the psychological abuse survivors in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook group.

Here’s the wisdom from many covert emotional and psychological abuse survivors about what they’d have done differently before marriage, during their marriage, and when they realized their husband was an abuser. I hope that every covertly abused woman who is reading these words can learn from what we’ve learned the hard way!

Here’s the second installment in my Survivor Wisdom Series. Covert abuse survivors share their advice on what they wish they’d done differently during their separation, divorce, and when talking to family, friends and their church about the abuse. They also share what they wish they’d known about the Christian doctrines that kept them trapped in their marriages.

I recently asked the women in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook Community this question: “When you were still hoping he’d change, how did you finally come to realize that he wasn’t going to change? What opened your eyes?” Here are their answers.

Here are some tips by survivors about things to do to get clarity while you are waiting to see if your abusive husband is really going to change.

Will he change? What does real change look like? What can I do while I’m waiting to see if he’ll change? True change is not just promises of change or small changes in behavior. True change is a transformation of personality and character. I’ve seen it once and here’s what it looks like.

I talk with so many women who are wondering how to heal from their abusive marriage. They feel lost, discouraged, exhausted, and sometimes even hopeless. Here are the most common barriers I see to true, deep healing.

I hate that feeling of being triggered- the confusion, the depression, the anxiety, the inner conflict. Feeling so uncomfortable in your own skin. Wishing it would go away and there could be a bit of peace again. Most survivors can easily get triggered whether there’s a COVID quarantine going on or not. All it takes is seeing our ex, or an old friend who betrayed us and sided with our abuser. Or going to church. Or having our child act like our ex. Or hearing a song.

We don’t have to live that way.

When times of high stress hit us, and this Corona virus crisis definitely qualifies, it’s challenging for those of us who’ve had abuse in our lives, whether we’re still living with it or not, because of how the abuse has affected our bodies, our brains, and our stress response.

If your anxiety is overwhelming you, you aren’t crazy, weak, stupid, lazy, or failing at trusting God. Here’s a list of 8 things you can do to reduce your stress.

The trauma you’ve experienced from abuse has caused long lasting effects on your body and brain. In order to heal from abuse, it’s important to understand how this has affected your thoughts, feelings, healing, and everyday responses to life.

As you read this I hope you’ll get a glimpse of why the abuse you’ve gone through has changed you from a peaceful, compassionate person into a nervous, anxious, panicked, confused, self-doubting mess. It’s not your fault!

PTSD can take many forms: anxiety, fear, terror, brain fog, being in a stupor, having a hard time getting off the couch, no motivation, and irritability. Most of the symptoms are probably things that you have blamed yourself for in the past. There are techniques you can learn to handle PTSD when it debilitates you. What helps you calm down?

As Christian survivors of emotional and psychological abuse, when we realize that we must divorce our abusers because of their unwillingness to treat us with love like a decent human being should, we face the shattering of our lives as we know them and hoped they would be.

But when we go through a merciful, life-saving divorce, God supports our divorce and is there with us as we rebuild our lives.

I asked the abuse survivors in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook Community to share the benefits they’ve experienced because of their necessary divorce. Here are the ways they feel their life is better.

I recently asked the beautiful survivors in my Confusion to Clarity FB Community “How did you come to know it was okay to divorce as a Christian?” “What helped you make the decision to divorce?”

I was surprised that all the answers I got were about how God guided them to divorce. Yes, God supports divorcing an abuser, and, yes, it’s Biblical to do so no matter what you’re being told by your pastor, elders, or others.

I’m delighted to once again share the hard-earned wisdom from other abuse survivors. This time I asked the women in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook Community this question:

How did you come to realize that it was time to separate? What helped you make that decision?

Here are their answers.

Some of us get blamed for leaving our marriage, and some of us get blamed for staying so long “if it was that bad.” And most of us get blamed for both. We can’t win.

Instead of blaming the victim/survivor, we should be honoring the strength of all the women who have left against all odds, and the strength of those who are forced to stay until they can find a way out.