Here are many examples of the unhelpful advice that is cookie-cutter “marriage advice” that abused women get from counselors and friends who don’t understand abuse (and is pretty shallow even for a non-abusive marriage.)
If you hear this kind of advice, run the other direction, read my blog, and find help from someone who understands abuse!
What do we do when we are brokenhearted and afraid for our kids who have turned away from God because of abuse?
Read MoreIn this article, I’m sharing some women’s positive experiences so you know what you should be expecting from your church and pastor.
If your church or pastor responds to you with anything less than support, love, concern, and offers of help, you have every right to find a church that will respond correctly.
If your church responds with spiritually abusive lies and demands, run in other direction as fast as you can! You deserve support and help.
Read MoreHow do you know when you are experiencing spiritual abuse by your church when going for help about an abusive marriage?
Survivors share some examples of spiritually abuse reactions, followed by some advice.
Read MoreI talk with so many women who are wondering how to heal from their abusive marriage. They feel lost, discouraged, exhausted, and sometimes even hopeless. Here are the most common barriers I see to true, deep healing.
Read MoreAs Christian survivors of emotional and psychological abuse, when we realize that we must divorce our abusers because of their unwillingness to treat us with love like a decent human being should, we face the shattering of our lives as we know them and hoped they would be.
But when we go through a merciful, life-saving divorce, God supports our divorce and is there with us as we rebuild our lives.
I asked the abuse survivors in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook Community to share the benefits they’ve experienced because of their necessary divorce. Here are the ways they feel their life is better.
Read MoreI recently asked the beautiful survivors in my Confusion to Clarity FB Community “How did you come to know it was okay to divorce as a Christian?” “What helped you make the decision to divorce?”
I was surprised that all the answers I got were about how God guided them to divorce. Yes, God supports divorcing an abuser, and, yes, it’s Biblical to do so no matter what you’re being told by your pastor, elders, or others.
Read MoreThere are serious problems, lies, and deceptions in the church that are undermining its ability to represent Christ and fulfill His intentions. These deceptions create much of the spiritual abuse that abused Christian are subjected to. Four of those problems severely impact abused women of faith: bible mistranslations, misogyny, power and the hierarchy church structure, and a refusal to define evil from God’s perspective.
Read More“God allows abuse to happen for a reason” “God is in control of everything (and therefore, everyone)” “God suffered, so you need to suffer too” “Because God is faithful, He will heal your marriage”
Have you heard these lies from Christians when you’ve tried to get help with your emotionally abusive marriage? It’s time to look at the misinformation and brainwashing we’ve been subjected to about who God is.
Read More“It’s gossip to talk about abuse.” “You need to love your husband unconditionally.” “Love covers a multitude of sins.” “Keep no record of wrongs.” “Think on good things.”
Women are being told how to be “godly” in their marriage by pastors and well-meaning Christians who don’t understand psychological and emotional abuse, or how God’s wants us to respond to spousal abuse. They are telling us things that aren’t true.
The reason we’re susceptible to these lies is because we want to be godly, we want to have a pure heart, and we want to be loving. In fact, we want to be, and are, all the things that they are accusing us of not being.
Read More“You have to forgive him because God forgave you.” “He said he was sorry.” “You need to forgive him and put the hurt behind you.” “You’re just being bitter.” “It’s a sin to be angry- you need to forgive.”
When we hear these accusations, we get incredibly confused and start condemning ourselves. We WANT to be Godly, to be forgiving, and to be loving. All too often, rather than supporting us, our advisors and friends create a landmine of accusation that adds to our betrayal and heaps condemnation on us.
Those who accuse us are asking to give up our own safety and sanity to be a “good Christian” because they don’t understand what forgiveness really means in the bible. So let’s look at what forgiveness means, and the lies we’ve been told about it.
“You need to give God time to work in his heart.” “You need to pray harder.” “God says wives must be submissive.” “You need to give him sex.” “You need to have empathy for your husband’s failings.”
Many of the lies we’re told as wives treat men as if they need us to take responsibility for their walk with God, we need to help men with their “normal man issues” (ie lust), we have to treat them with kid gloves, we have to accept their emotional immaturity, and we have to behave perfectly or they just can’t help themselves from being “harsh” with us.
Why is it okay for Christian men to have fragile egos, to be out of control with their sexual lust, to be immature in their own relationships with God, to be emotionally clueless, and to have to be taken care of like children?
Let’s take a look at some of the damaging rubbish covertly abused women have been told about their roles in their husbands lives.
Read More“The man is the head of the household and your covering.” “You need to respect your husband no matter what.” “We are all sinners.” “He’s a Christian.”
Let’s look at the common teachings about husbands that create an atmosphere that promotes and justifies abuse.
Read More“Marriage is not meant to make you happy, it’s meant to make you holy.” “God hates divorce.” “Marriage is a sacred oath, till death do us part.” “You have to save the marriage, even if you’re the only one trying.” “You need marriage counseling.” “It’s bad for the kids to leave because they need a father.”
Covertly abused women of faith are torn to shreds over having to get a divorce and it’s an agonizing decision that no woman takes lightly. We stick with our marriages for years and years past the point of hope. We pay for that with our emotional and mental well-being, and our physical health. And these are some lies that have kept us in this bondage.
Read More“Your feelings lie to you.” “Just get on with your life.” “Just renew your mind.” “You don’t have enough faith.” “Rejoice in all things.” “God is all you need.”
When we are being covertly emotional and psychologically abused, our husband is creating an unpredictable environment for us, and inducing instability into our emotions and mind. We’re afraid of ourselves, full of self-doubt, afraid of the future, feeling guilty, berating ourselves for our “failures,” not trusting others, feeling alone and misunderstood. But none of this is sin. None of this is a character failing on our part. We’re the product of the abusive environment we are living in. Our feelings don’t originate in our sin. They originate in our husband’s sin against us. If you’ve been told you’re in sin, or you don’t have enough faith, when you’re having these feelings, that’s just another form of spiritual abuse.
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