How Divorce Made My Life Better – Survivor Wisdom Series, Part Nine

As Christian survivors of emotional and psychological abuse, when we realize that we must divorce our abusers because of their unwillingness to treat us with love like a decent human being should, we face the shattering of our lives as we know them and hoped they would be.

We face a legal system that doesn’t understand abuse and is often manipulated by our lying abusers. We also often face incredible judgment and shaming from our Christian communities because of all the lies that are rampant in our church today.

But anyone who has gone through a merciful, life-saving divorce knows that God supports our divorce and is there with us as we rebuild our lives.

This is Part Nine of the Survivor Wisdom Series. Here are the other articles in the series:

Part One: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Marriage
Part Two: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Divorce and Dealing with Others
Part Three: How I Realized My Abuser Would Never Change
Part Four: Tips if You’re Still Wondering if Your Abuser Will Change
Part Five: How I Realized His Abuse Was Intentional
Part Six: Why I Stayed
Part Seven: How I knew It was Time to Separate
Part Eight: How God Guided Me to Divorce
Part Ten: Seeing Spiritual Abuse
Part Eleven: How Your Church Should Respond When You Disclose Abuse

I asked the abuse survivors in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook Community to share with me the benefits they’ve experienced because of their necessary divorce. Here are the ways they feel their life is better.

I am debt free, including owning my house and car free and clear. (My ex always kept us in big debt.)

I’ve gone back to college to get a degree in my passion, music. I’d never been able to even take voice lessons before. Now I teach them.

No more abuse. Bought a mobile home. Kids and I experience peace. Working to establish a relationship with God again. Trying to heal from the trauma he caused.

I’m free to love and be loved instead of tying myself in knots all day every day to motivate my spouse to love me. Turns out real love isn’t that hard.

I’m free to travel, take the kids on vacations, just go and do enjoyable things.

No more living with abuse, bullying, intimidation, shaming, false blaming, cheating, lying, manipulation, ego attention seeking, putting others down, etc....

Peace! No more walking on eggshells wondering if he will like me today, if I will measure up. No more being jerked back and forth emotionally. No more being blamed for everything or being told I'm selfish and controlling (projection). No more bullying or pressure to do things his way.

I've taken the journey to rediscover who I am. It has been slow but I have discovered he was controlling every aspect of my life and I didn't know who I was anymore. I've discovered I don't really hate myself – I actually really like me. I'm a really nice person with great qualities!

I'm actually pretty funny and I really like my sense of humor. Now I don't have someone telling me, "leave the humor to the professionals" constantly every time I tell a joke or make a comment.

I have had a really tough year that culminated in one day where I couldn’t leave town to see my sister who was in a medical crisis because we were having a hurricane, during a pandemic, while going through a divorce and the company I work for was going through bankruptcy liquidation. All I could think was how great my life is to not have to wake up and deal with him every day.

Peace. I don't feel I have to anticipate and manage the crises he created. I sleep without his snoring and him turning on "Law and Order" in the middle of the night. I don't have his debt hanging over me. Did I mention PEACE?!!!!!

I’m able to pursue my God-given passions and talents without being shamed for doing things that are “stupid.”

Definitely peace. I have failing health, and I think (and my doctors agree) that my divorce is the first step to full healing and future health. Literally, we think it will be LIFE SAVING. (My doc and therapist have both been telling me he was killing me slowly from stress for years.) I'm only 3 months out, but already seeing the benefit of living in peace, and folks are commenting on how I look so much healthier already.

Loving coming home to my house. Peace. Confidence. Actually living my life.

Peace is the biggest benefit. No more yelling, no more constant criticism, no more walking on egg shells. Financially I have been able to slowly pay off debt, buy a house, travel a little. I have also lost about 90 lbs, changed my hair color. After five years of recovery I got married again to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen! The divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am happy, healthy and moving forward, thank you Jesus!!!

Getting the divorce really helped me find some peace but I had a lot of healing to do after the divorce. So glad I found a trauma therapist and the Arise Healing Community to help me find myself, heal the trauma, and put myself back together again. Now I have hope and joy along with the peace.

I've become closer to God now that I don't have this man wanting me to idolize him at every turn. I didn't realize how much he blocked my relationship with God. So it has become so much deeper. I'm starting to trust God so much better than I have even though it's still hard sometimes.

My daughter mentioned her Dad today and I felt no triggers, no anger, no confusion. I could smile as she talked and I even had a couple of comments. I'm so thankful to be this far and I look forward to continued healing and restoration.

I've met a wonderful man who does everything he can to build me up and not tear me down. He tells me all the time how amazing I am and points out my qualities. He tells me I am a blessing to him. It's so different having someone in your life that sees you as God's blessing to them and not them as God's blessing to you.

My house is usually clean and neat with dishes done and floors vacuumed. Everything has a place. Before, the house was always in the state of disaster because the ex would always tell me, “I'll get to it later” but later never came.

The only negative was the idiots who wanted to tell me how God hates divorce, that I'm an adulteress, that if he was going to abuse me that was God's will, and that abuse is not an excuse for divorce. I did lose a lot of friends or at least those that I thought were friends, but you know what? I have a new set of friends. God brought people into my life who love me just the way I am.

I didn’t realize that in my marital relationship my husband was so dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy that my time, energy, and brain power was spent trying to “fix” our marriage, myself, and him. Sadly, we both believed many lies of the church concerning marriage, husband’s authority, submission, and “respect” that further impacted the depth of abuse spiritually and emotionally. I ultimately became very ill with 2 auto immune diseases and trauma and fear that caused life threatening AFIB. I now realize that Jesus wasn’t really my top priority – holding my marriage and family together at all costs to myself was my priority. I had to let go of my husband and family and trust God, or my grip would destroy me. I’m now daily learning to put God central and foremost in my life. God wants to have first place in my life and He wants for me to have His peace and rest and do all of the works He has planned for me!

I started to “feel” again. I was so conditioned to his emotional needs that I totally forgot how to identify my own. I feel lighter now. I smile easier. Life is fun.

I am able to rely on my thoughts and decisions without being told covertly that they are stupid. I can live the life I want and not be tied to his dumb activities that got us in debt even though he made a lot of money. It’s a huge relief. I am still in recovery though and it’s been 8 years. It’s a very slow process. I think that is important for women to know. It takes time to find your voice, passions, and needs.

The personal and professional growth I've managed to achieve in just a year has really surprised me. It started with my basic needs (sleep, rest, recreation, self-care) and then proper, focused therapy. The thing that has surprised me the most is my ability to independently make a living.

The peace is deafening. My future is clean and crystal clear. I'm content in my role as a mother and homemaker. I smile at the thought of future days, happy in knowledge that my strength is my own. I earn money using my creativity and entrepreneurial tenacity and it feels good, with none of it going on alcohol or technology that'll sit in a drawer after five minute’s use.

My overall physical and mental health is improving. Still working on sleep hygiene.

The longer I’m apart from him the more I’m discovering who I am. Most recently I’m making the house mine by decorating and arranging things differently.

Freedom. Everything is easier now. Every. single. thing. (even parenting 4 kiddos). Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard; every interaction with him is difficult because he’s a covert narcissist. But life is sooooo much better.

It’s so much easier to parent. It’s still hard, especially with traumatized kids, but much easier without him meddling and being the cause of all the trouble. I can relax in my own house. We can laugh.

Life is so peaceful now. My brain has calmed and my thoughts don't feel forced or restricted. I govern my life each day and even though I've known the peace of God to some degree since I was saved, now I feel that peace in my spirit, soul, and in little ways all day long. I no longer fear what next disaster he's going to create. I'm living my life beyond his abuse now.

And one survivor tells us in a poem:

Empower
by April Jolene Austin
2-19-2021
(You can see more of her poems and purchase them here)

Empower
Let us empower her
So she can stand radiant
While darkness must relent

Stronger than ever before
God has good things in store
Spirit full of bursting color
Within herself so secure

Can’t take away her peace
From darkness she is released
Standing all on her own
Yet she is never, ever alone

Can’t bring her down
Immense joy is what she’s found
A song bursting from her heart
Life has begun, oh let it start!

Wisdom from her dark times
Red flags, she knows the signs
Never back to Egypt to go
Saw God stop the river flow

Empowered from deep within
You don’t know where she’s been
She survived the very worst of days
Came to clarity out of the haze

Years spent in the fire
Of toxicity she quickly tires
Smarter than ever before
She’s not less, she’s “more”

Tears turned to joyful shout
Peace is what she’s all about
Living to the fullest here
No more living in endless fear

Can’t stop her beautiful dreams
She’s lit from inside, it would seem
Can’t ever take out her light
Not when she remains this bright

Bravely choosing a new path
She’s under grace, not God’s wrath
Heavenly Host goes with her then
Her time is now, it’s time to begin

Life returning in full force
She’s on a brand new course
Empowered to be who she is
Nothing in her old life to miss

As most survivors discover, once we find our freedom and peace,
we also find that we need healing from the abuse.

If you’d like to join other women of faith on a powerful journey of healing from the trauma of spiritual abuse and emotional and psychological spousal abuse, and learn practical tools for healing, you can read about the Arise Healing Community here.